Three days ago I realized I had fallen into my old trap of wanting to change everything about my life right now. Not the Banshees or DBS, of course, but those parts about myself that keep sabotaging everything else I want to do. My problem is that I want to change myself the way I want to clean the house or clear the yard or create a potager or write a book or start a business: I want to do it all at once, immediately, or at the very latest some time yesterday. I can make plans to change like nobody's business. They usually take up a day or two, or even a week if I'm really enthusiastic, and then nothing changes at all. I still haven't gotten the house clean the way I'd like it and the yard is still a shambles; the potager, books, and business are still pipe dreams, and I haven't changed nearly as much as I'd like to.
So three days ago, I decided to be kinder to myself.
Two days ago, I decided that I would change just one thing, every day. One thing is doable, sustainable, and small enough to be harmless. Mostly harmless, anyway.
Yesterday, I went on strike. I've been battling the children on chores all day, every day for the better part of forever. It isn't working. I quit. I will not nag one single time more about dishes or laundry or housekeeping. I'm also not doing any dishes or laundry or housework that the Banshees generate. There is food. There are clothes. There is shelter. They've got free access to all of it. I simply maintain that if someone creates chaos they need to assist with restoring some order. However, I'm not going to spend any more time trying to get anybody to see my point of view. Life is short and I have other projects I'd rather spend that energy on. (I also wonder how much chaos is going to occur before order starts kicking in, but it's sort of in terms of "Maybe I should start a pool on this, and how many months should I put myself down for, 32 or 24?")
Today I decided to work on Tai Chi every morning. I'm hoping that besides making my knees wobbly it might help with my peculiar sense of meditation. If I have to knit in order to hear a lecture, it makes no sense to sit still in order to clear my mind. And as much as I'd just love to have the house to myself for extended periods of time, that isn't something I can foresee happening for the near future. Or the medium future. Maybe some time next year? At any rate, right now I need to be able to clear a space for myself inside my head instead of inside my walls.
I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow.
I've got a very long list of items to choose from, though.