Monday, October 8, 2012

And Sometimes You Fall Off Of The Face Of The Earth

I dream big and then am paralyzed by my dreams.

Turn land that I'm living on into a potager, maybe a micro-ranch, possibly a market garden? Sure.

Start a business? Why not? And how many? We've got spinning, knitting, soaping, jewelry, general purpose artwork, welding, editing, the aforementioned market garden, and a few others that could be viable with a little capital and a lot of work.

Home-school Banshees until they graduate high school? Yeah, I can do that.

All of it at once? By just one person? Now you can see why I might look at the work load I've given myself and then curl up in a little ineffective ball of overwhelmed.  Other people do these things and make it look, if not effortless, at least possible. But one of the earliest lessons I ever absorbed was how to fail and let me tell you I've gotten damned good at it over the years. It's a self-destructive little lesson, insidious, poisonous, and I have had the devil's own time learning how to combat it.

It doesn't help that I've been in mourning. Nobody has died, it isn't like that, but a couple of friendships have been put on hiatus. One just drifted away - there was never any real sense that they wanted to the end the friendship, it was just that their lives just got so busy and the get togethers we used to have started to conflict with new events they were more interested in, and there just weren't enough hours in the week for the life they wanted and the friendship we had. Life happens. Nobody is the bad guy. The other friendship, well, she's the sister I wish I'd been born with but she's undergoing a couple of major life transitions and, like a true sister of the spirit if not the dna, is trying to shovel 72 hours into 24 in order to cope. There just isn't time for me anymore. I understand, but these were my foundational friendships, the sort of people you could call at two in the morning if you needed emergency help of any sort, and now I've got huge hole in my life where these people used to be. I don't make friends easily, and in any case the 2-a.m. friends are very very rare indeed. I'll make new friends, or at least have friendly acquaintances, but for now I'm in mourning. People are moving away from me. It's never easy. It always hurts.

Then there's the situation I find myself in. The job I had at the beginning of the year did our finances a tremendous amount of good, but that tremendous amount of good just got us from deep in the hole to ground level. There is no overestimating how good it feels to be able to pay the bills on time, but I may never wholly get over the dread of not having enough. And these dreams I have? Well, those dreams cost money that I don't have. Sometimes that makes it hard to get out of bed in the morning, or pry myself away from the computer monitor for the rest of the day. I haven't been getting to my usual knit-meets or to the local homeschool park day. I just haven't had the energy or the inclination.

That's been going on for the better part of two months. It took me a while to recognize it and then a couple of weeks of wrestling with the issues, and then just a grim realization that if I want to feel better eventually I am going to have to do a few things that I really don't want to do, and I need to do them now. Like exercise. I feel better after I've gone a few rounds on the treadmill, even if I don't really see me losing a huge amount of weight that way. Screw the weight, I need to have motion, and even half an hour on the treadmill makes me feel better. I need to start getting up earlier in the morning. I'm a night owl, that has always been my inclination, but I find that if I can get up before everybody else in the household I can actually have a more productive day. I'm not even going to bother to analyze why, why right now is not important. Getting up before everybody else in the house is important. These two actions may not get me everything on my wish list but they go a heck of a long way to making me feel better and do more.

Hey, I got up early this morning and I actually had breakfast. And now I'm blogging. In about ten minutes I'm going to be facing off against that treadmill again (coffee first. must. have. coffee.) and after that - well, I have been promised a Wickson crabapple tree if I get the front yard cleared. I really, really want that tree. I'm not feeling un-depressed, not yet, but motion is life and I mean to keep moving.

1 comment:

Dale Pagkalinawan said...

Hi Stephanie

Glad to have come across a fellow auto-didact's blog (just came to realize myself i fell under this category)...

So, now you've got a new follower.
Dale :)