Monday, August 3, 2015

The Gym

I work heavy construction. Which is not in the least bit easy at the tail-end of 5 decades on earth, let alone 120+ pounds overweight. Well, I went to work, and work peeled 25 pounds from me. Mind you, the arthritic knees that I must have been developing over a period of time decided to announce themselves with awful clarity the first full week I was working (we told you 6/10s? We really meant 7/12s! Go zero to one hundred sixty in nothing point flat!), and my feet may never talk to me again (truly. What isn't hurting has gone rather numb.) But 25 is 25 and I mean to never become reacquainted with those pounds again.

However. What the winds of fortune bring they often take away again. My job, projected to last 6 months, lasted a little better than 5 weeks for me. That's the story of "field" construction, a classification of work that is inherently unstable for a whole slew of reasons, only some of which have anything to do with actual job performance. I'm at peace with the whole I'm unemployed again bit. What I'm really agitating about is A) Maintaining exercise pace, B) Continue weight loss (hey, still got 100 pounds to go!), and C) Get This House Decluttered so I can get it clean.

I've got an exercise schedule mapped out, check. Fell off the bandwagon a little nutritionally but climbing back aboard (the plate, by the way, was a good idea. I continued it by getting little Lock&Lock containers, 6 ounces apiece, for more help in the portion control department.) What is driving me batguanocrazy right now is the horrendous clutter in my house. Now I have to develop a strategy to get rid of what it's necessary to get rid of, not an easy thing when I get so ridiculously attached to things. Stuff. Inanimate objects that I've imbued with some memory, so that throwing away the object feels perilously close to throwing away a memory. Gah. Then there is the whole oh my goodness gracious there is just so MUCH stuff to deal with paralyzer. There. Is. Just. So. MUCH. To deal with, that I can't even begin to wrap my brain around it all.


One step at a time.

One room at a time.

One corner of a room at a time, if need be.

I think I'm going to start with my sewing table and then go through Stash Mountain. Then I'm going to have deal with the piles of paper that have been accumulating through the last 18 years or so. Just 'cause Mom held on to every piece of parchment she ever laid hands on doesn't mean I have to. Some things just need to be gone through and let go of already. While doing this I have to arrange the woodworking area into a working shape, because MB has done what I asked of him (cleaned his room and kept it clean) and now it's time to build that loft bed for him. Since we're going to be tearing his room apart anyway, we're going to clean, patch, and paint his walls for the first time in more than a decade.

I have patterns of behavior that have lasted for decades and Oh My will it be difficult to alter.

Monday, May 25, 2015

I Bought A Plate Today

I bought a plate today. It doesn't sound like much, but I'm hoping it will be.

It's hard to explain the inside of my skull at this moment. Part of me is working on digesting breakfast, another is thinking that my teeth feel mossy and I could go brush them but I might wake up DBS and I don't want to do that. A bit of my brain is groggily asking why in the heck we didn't stay in bed until we got the full eight hours, but it lost the argument to the section that said we really need to get up right now, because it's an emergency. 

Some time this week I tipped the scales at 280 pounds. That would be slightly overweight for my 6' 4" brother, who has always been built like a redwood, but it's disastrous for my past-middle-aged 5' 7" (and shrinking) frame. It is an emergency, and right now I'm doing battle with myself on more than one front. I have this tendency to be extremely binary when confronted with something I want to get done yesterday: I'm either all in, planning obsessively and trying to accomplish in two days what other people might take a few months or even a couple of years to do, or I'm sitting on the sidelines moaning about what a miserable failure I am for not being able to establish and maintain that pace. However, when it comes to the weight, I've always known that it was going to take a permanent lifestyle change. I've balked. I haven't really wanted to acknowledge that I can't eat like a teenager anymore. I didn't really want to look the requirement for daily exercise in the eye. So much cozier to curl up with the computer and a warm mug of denial. 

Also, and this sucks to admit, I am lousy at creating and sticking to routines. It feels as if there is something unstuck in my brain, some circuitry that didn't get wired correctly. Everybody else that I know seems to be able to get routines in place and stick to them. What is wrong with me that this simple little task seems so completely beyond my abilities? I've been able to create a healthy lifestyle but I've never been able to stick to it past a few months. No matter what I want to be doing with my life I always manage to get derailed. 

I need to lose approximately half my current body. 

I suck at creating and maintaining routines.

I need to set up an accountability system that works for me, even if it looks like the weirdest thing on the planet to anybody else. 

I need to get over feeling ridiculous and ashamed. That I'm lugging around 130 extra pounds doesn't change the essential me - who, for the record, is pig-headed and proud-minded and also immovable once I've planted my flag and raised the battle-cry.

I'm also the one that took 25 years to learn how to knit. And the better part of a decade figuring out how to spin yarn. Which, if I only looked at the pattern dead-on, means that I do master the skills. It just means my learning curve looks more like a series of brick walls that I run into repeatedly until they fall over. I'm fairly convinced that this characteristic may be my true immutable nature. I learn a lot of things quickly and painlessly, and the stuff that is difficult for me I just bloody myself on until I get it right. 

So I've set a goal of three hours of exercise a day for the rest of my mortal existence. I don't have to have a particular exercise, it just has to get my heart rate up at least 3 hours out of 24. My goal today is to walk 2 miles.

My second goal is to reconfigure my eating habits for the rest of my life. My goal for today is to work on portion control. Which is why I got myself a plate. Just one. Just one plate that is 20% smaller than the dinner plates I usually eat off of. Less surface space, less food, and if it's just psychological sleight of hand, so what?

One step at a time. 

One brick wall at a time.

I'll get there.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Well Then

It looks like it was my mistake, but one in I.D., not necessararily math. We'll know more when the amended paperwork comes through. Whew.

Also, hurrah for professionalism. I think the I.R.S. needs more money, not less, if only to give a raise to the employee who helped me straighten out this kerfluffle. Which reminds me, I need to compose a note of thanks and send it off.

Put me down as that rare breed of folks who's had nothing but positive experiences with both the Department of Motor Vehicles and the Internal Revenue Service. Now mind you, that might change in the future - crud happens, even the best employees have down days, etc. - but they do a job that we as a society have deemed necessary, and they're often doing it after their higher-ups have played politics with both budget and p.r.. As somebody, and I'll have to check out whom, once said, Getting mad at the I.R.S. is like getting angry at the grocery store clerk because the price of eggs went up. Ya wanna get peeved at the way the whole tax code is bonkers? Go growl at your congresscritter. They made the laws that the I.R.S. is bound to enforce.