Monday, May 25, 2015

I Bought A Plate Today

I bought a plate today. It doesn't sound like much, but I'm hoping it will be.

It's hard to explain the inside of my skull at this moment. Part of me is working on digesting breakfast, another is thinking that my teeth feel mossy and I could go brush them but I might wake up DBS and I don't want to do that. A bit of my brain is groggily asking why in the heck we didn't stay in bed until we got the full eight hours, but it lost the argument to the section that said we really need to get up right now, because it's an emergency. 

Some time this week I tipped the scales at 280 pounds. That would be slightly overweight for my 6' 4" brother, who has always been built like a redwood, but it's disastrous for my past-middle-aged 5' 7" (and shrinking) frame. It is an emergency, and right now I'm doing battle with myself on more than one front. I have this tendency to be extremely binary when confronted with something I want to get done yesterday: I'm either all in, planning obsessively and trying to accomplish in two days what other people might take a few months or even a couple of years to do, or I'm sitting on the sidelines moaning about what a miserable failure I am for not being able to establish and maintain that pace. However, when it comes to the weight, I've always known that it was going to take a permanent lifestyle change. I've balked. I haven't really wanted to acknowledge that I can't eat like a teenager anymore. I didn't really want to look the requirement for daily exercise in the eye. So much cozier to curl up with the computer and a warm mug of denial. 

Also, and this sucks to admit, I am lousy at creating and sticking to routines. It feels as if there is something unstuck in my brain, some circuitry that didn't get wired correctly. Everybody else that I know seems to be able to get routines in place and stick to them. What is wrong with me that this simple little task seems so completely beyond my abilities? I've been able to create a healthy lifestyle but I've never been able to stick to it past a few months. No matter what I want to be doing with my life I always manage to get derailed. 

I need to lose approximately half my current body. 

I suck at creating and maintaining routines.

I need to set up an accountability system that works for me, even if it looks like the weirdest thing on the planet to anybody else. 

I need to get over feeling ridiculous and ashamed. That I'm lugging around 130 extra pounds doesn't change the essential me - who, for the record, is pig-headed and proud-minded and also immovable once I've planted my flag and raised the battle-cry.

I'm also the one that took 25 years to learn how to knit. And the better part of a decade figuring out how to spin yarn. Which, if I only looked at the pattern dead-on, means that I do master the skills. It just means my learning curve looks more like a series of brick walls that I run into repeatedly until they fall over. I'm fairly convinced that this characteristic may be my true immutable nature. I learn a lot of things quickly and painlessly, and the stuff that is difficult for me I just bloody myself on until I get it right. 

So I've set a goal of three hours of exercise a day for the rest of my mortal existence. I don't have to have a particular exercise, it just has to get my heart rate up at least 3 hours out of 24. My goal today is to walk 2 miles.

My second goal is to reconfigure my eating habits for the rest of my life. My goal for today is to work on portion control. Which is why I got myself a plate. Just one. Just one plate that is 20% smaller than the dinner plates I usually eat off of. Less surface space, less food, and if it's just psychological sleight of hand, so what?

One step at a time. 

One brick wall at a time.

I'll get there.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Well Then

It looks like it was my mistake, but one in I.D., not necessararily math. We'll know more when the amended paperwork comes through. Whew.

Also, hurrah for professionalism. I think the I.R.S. needs more money, not less, if only to give a raise to the employee who helped me straighten out this kerfluffle. Which reminds me, I need to compose a note of thanks and send it off.

Put me down as that rare breed of folks who's had nothing but positive experiences with both the Department of Motor Vehicles and the Internal Revenue Service. Now mind you, that might change in the future - crud happens, even the best employees have down days, etc. - but they do a job that we as a society have deemed necessary, and they're often doing it after their higher-ups have played politics with both budget and p.r.. As somebody, and I'll have to check out whom, once said, Getting mad at the I.R.S. is like getting angry at the grocery store clerk because the price of eggs went up. Ya wanna get peeved at the way the whole tax code is bonkers? Go growl at your congresscritter. They made the laws that the I.R.S. is bound to enforce.

Monday, April 13, 2015

expletives deleted

IRS says we're only entitled to half of what my math said we're entitled to. Actually, I'll take their word for this because presumably they understand the forms better than I do. But ouch, that hurts. My crazy is because I've been doing our taxes for years and they've just been getting more complicated. I'm a reasonably intelligent human being but this has gotten ridiculous. Our money flow doesn't change that much from year to year but the paperwork for handling not-making-much-money has gotten multiplied. I wish the Feds would just do the taxes for people under a certain income since they already have the information (seriously, if they've got enough info to know I didn't dot an i or cross a t and I didn't carry the 1 or subtract the 0, then they've got enough info to do my taxes without me having to do the April 15th Hokey Pokey).

Gah. Feel miserable. DBS was so counting on that money :(.