Monday, October 8, 2012

And Sometimes You Fall Off Of The Face Of The Earth

I dream big and then am paralyzed by my dreams.

Turn land that I'm living on into a potager, maybe a micro-ranch, possibly a market garden? Sure.

Start a business? Why not? And how many? We've got spinning, knitting, soaping, jewelry, general purpose artwork, welding, editing, the aforementioned market garden, and a few others that could be viable with a little capital and a lot of work.

Home-school Banshees until they graduate high school? Yeah, I can do that.

All of it at once? By just one person? Now you can see why I might look at the work load I've given myself and then curl up in a little ineffective ball of overwhelmed.  Other people do these things and make it look, if not effortless, at least possible. But one of the earliest lessons I ever absorbed was how to fail and let me tell you I've gotten damned good at it over the years. It's a self-destructive little lesson, insidious, poisonous, and I have had the devil's own time learning how to combat it.

It doesn't help that I've been in mourning. Nobody has died, it isn't like that, but a couple of friendships have been put on hiatus. One just drifted away - there was never any real sense that they wanted to the end the friendship, it was just that their lives just got so busy and the get togethers we used to have started to conflict with new events they were more interested in, and there just weren't enough hours in the week for the life they wanted and the friendship we had. Life happens. Nobody is the bad guy. The other friendship, well, she's the sister I wish I'd been born with but she's undergoing a couple of major life transitions and, like a true sister of the spirit if not the dna, is trying to shovel 72 hours into 24 in order to cope. There just isn't time for me anymore. I understand, but these were my foundational friendships, the sort of people you could call at two in the morning if you needed emergency help of any sort, and now I've got huge hole in my life where these people used to be. I don't make friends easily, and in any case the 2-a.m. friends are very very rare indeed. I'll make new friends, or at least have friendly acquaintances, but for now I'm in mourning. People are moving away from me. It's never easy. It always hurts.

Then there's the situation I find myself in. The job I had at the beginning of the year did our finances a tremendous amount of good, but that tremendous amount of good just got us from deep in the hole to ground level. There is no overestimating how good it feels to be able to pay the bills on time, but I may never wholly get over the dread of not having enough. And these dreams I have? Well, those dreams cost money that I don't have. Sometimes that makes it hard to get out of bed in the morning, or pry myself away from the computer monitor for the rest of the day. I haven't been getting to my usual knit-meets or to the local homeschool park day. I just haven't had the energy or the inclination.

That's been going on for the better part of two months. It took me a while to recognize it and then a couple of weeks of wrestling with the issues, and then just a grim realization that if I want to feel better eventually I am going to have to do a few things that I really don't want to do, and I need to do them now. Like exercise. I feel better after I've gone a few rounds on the treadmill, even if I don't really see me losing a huge amount of weight that way. Screw the weight, I need to have motion, and even half an hour on the treadmill makes me feel better. I need to start getting up earlier in the morning. I'm a night owl, that has always been my inclination, but I find that if I can get up before everybody else in the household I can actually have a more productive day. I'm not even going to bother to analyze why, why right now is not important. Getting up before everybody else in the house is important. These two actions may not get me everything on my wish list but they go a heck of a long way to making me feel better and do more.

Hey, I got up early this morning and I actually had breakfast. And now I'm blogging. In about ten minutes I'm going to be facing off against that treadmill again (coffee first. must. have. coffee.) and after that - well, I have been promised a Wickson crabapple tree if I get the front yard cleared. I really, really want that tree. I'm not feeling un-depressed, not yet, but motion is life and I mean to keep moving.

Sunday, October 7, 2012

DBS said that if I weed the front yard, I can get my apple tree. If I clear the entire yard, front, back, and sides, I can get a couple of new ducklings.

Now, there's a man who knows how to motivate someone!

Thursday, October 4, 2012

The Dual Boot Dynamic

I'm not sure if I'm a proto-geek or an aspiring polymath. I'm not really all that computer gifted, although I find that building your own is a heck of a lot of fun and one of these days when I find the time and concentration I'm going to learn a whole bunch of computer languages. Or maybe just one or two. I'm middle-aged, there isn't a whole bunch of time to get it all done anymore. It's that last sentence that probably pushes me more into aspiring polymath territory than anything else. There simply aren't just a couple of interests I want to pursue. Left to my devices (and given a handy extra hundred years or two) I want to pursue lots of interests. My patron saint would probably be Thomas Jefferson, warts and all.

I'm not a huge windows fan. Insert your favorite diatribe here, as I have probably shared in at least part of that viewpoint over the years. Vista was my main motivation to try Linux and Ubuntu has been my variety for several years now. Love it. If I was young, unmarried, and childless, I'd probably bounce around a few other distros to see what was out there (and spare me, I already know that there are probably polyamorous partners out there juggling world-class careers and a passel of children. Mazel tov, congrats and all that, but you're that talented. We're talking about me and my capacities right now!) but Ubuntu fits me and that's where I stuck. I keep windows around because I have to, but I keep Linux around because I love it. I'm slightly more talented than your average pet rock when utilizing it, but I love it.

I had to go without for several months because my newest computer build had a microscopic hard drive on it and there was no way I could run a dual boot. When I finally got back in the game, Ubuntu had decided to go with a totally different way of running a desktop, so there has been a learning curve. I'm still not completely sure I'm going to be able to navigate around this new way of doing things without at least a large ball of twine and a big stick of chalk, but once I got done playing around I found the same old dynamic seems to be working. If I'm in windows I waste time, if the Ubuntu is up then I'm trying to be productive with something.

Yeah, I'll hang around Sullivan's place. I'm a political junkie and I have to have my fix. Same with Maddow. But sooner rather than later I'll pull out the assignments I need to write for the Banshees, or start plotting out a short story, or layout the planting beds for Hopping Goose (I swear I'm going to get that potager going if it kills me and harelips every mule left in Texas!), or look up my fairly dormant blog system and make an entry or three. I'm sure this duality of approach says something about me, I'm just not sure what.

What I do know is that I've spent a good six weeks in a haze of some sort. I haven't really wanted to do anything, go anywhere, interact with anyone. I've just wanted to stay in my cave and be very very still. Of course, with a mate and several Banshees, that was a wash from the very beginning, but still: I didn't go anywhere and didn't do anything unless I had to. I knew something was wrong but I just wasn't doing a very good job of snapping myself out of it.

Changes come when they come. A few days ago, I actually made myself breakfast instead of scrounging for whatever was easy and quick. I started thinking about what I'd written on this blog and how far from those goals I had fallen. I pointed out to the echo chamber of my own skull that failure could always happen following an effort, but failure always followed lack of effort. I watched my son, my lovely MB, as he cheerfully made some of the most gawdawful, mis-proportioned figurines out of polymer clay and then, oh then, they began to get better. A little better, and a little better, and then a whole lot better. It isn't that he doesn't know how to fail, it's that he accepts imperfect first tries as the price of learning how to do better. And doing better is very, very important to him. More important than not getting it done at all for fear of never doing it right.

So I fall, so I get back up again. So I falter, so I learn, so I go on. It may very well be too late to get everything done in this lifetime that I want to do, but that was probably true the day I was born; there is just so much to do around here that no time would ever truly be enough. The weather is cooler now; autumn is here, my favorite season, the season I have always associated with new beginnings. And I have switched from windows to Ubuntu again; things are beginning to look up.

Wednesday, October 3, 2012

I think I'm going to have to give up on political sites and pretty much everything that makes the internet interesting to me until after the election. I'm too wound up about it all. It's living in my skull rent free and it no longer has my permission to do so.

Resolutions: Sumeria still needs conquering. So does NaNoWriMo. And I promise to read How To Not Give a Fuck (dot com) once a day until I feel better or the whole blithering mess just goes away.