May 19, 2020
We’ve developed a technique in this family out of sheer
necessity and it’s generally thus:
Is X situation causing Y
feeling, or is Y a feeling that is searching for a cause and X
got in its way?
Because, yes, there are times when something happens and
it causes all sorts of emotions and that’s all straight-forward and reasonable
and explanations are a breeze. When it’s the other way around, however, it can
be a complete and utter emotional bloodbath with nobody quite knowing what
caused it or why it’s happening.
Am I upset because [insert name here] did something, or
am I having a hormone storm and it’s bleeding out of my emotional system? Am I
really worthless or am I just having some free-floating anxiety that’s caused
by something utterly out of my control? I’m furious beyond words but is it
really because something happened that doesn’t normally bother me, or could it
be that I’m overloaded and a circuit just blew?
Today I’ve been feeling anxious, worthless, and helpless.
I know I’m not worthless, so that’s got to be getting fed by the anxiety. I’m
not exactly not helpless but I’m also not that out of control of my own
destiny, so, anxiety feeding that as well. Root of anxiety? Ah, yep, concern
over whether I’m going to be able to pay the bills this month. As it so
happens, I am going to be able to keep the lights on and food in the fridge so
I packaged up my little bundle of anxiety and put it back in storage. It never
goes away, but I can manage to make most of its outings tolerable.
n
Projects, I have projects. I have way too many projects.
I suffer from project paralysis and overwhelm. C-19 - the event, not the disease - caused a short-circuit in my
brain wiring and a kind of cascade effect where every part of my brain’s to-do
list is failing and causing other parts to fail and it’s crazy-making because I
really want to do everything that I haven’t been doing. Part of my short-circuit
that I can identify and patch (it will never, ever be a permanent repair) is
getting back to my bullet journal. I tell people that bullet journaling is
awful, horrible, and awkward, and is just about the only thing that has ever
worked for me at all so I keep changing and refining my techniques. Yesterday I
added a project-planning app to my stew. It was inexpensive and so worth figuring out if I
can fold it into my ongoing attempts at organization. One of the issues that I
struggle with, project-wise and with life in general, is that I am incredibly
time-blind and so I don’t really understand, comprehend, or otherwise recognize
just how much time any given project is going to take. Well, time-blind just
means I have to work harder and put a few safe-guards in to help me recognize
and manage my limitations. Hopefully this project planning app will help because
there is just so much I want to do before I shuffle off this mortal
coil. I won’t get done with it all – I don’t really want to get done with it
all – but I’d like to get closer than my current trajectory is taking me.
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